Loving Watching Things Grow
“God loves watching things grow.”
I heard Beth Moore say that yesterday as I was in the middle of another day that felt frustratingly unproductive. To be honest I’m in week two of feeling frustratingly unproductive off and on.
In my life I have moved a lot, and although the last 7-8 years I’ve only moved a few times, there was a decade which I often moved a couple times a year. So I am a master at unpacking and getting settled. Within the first few days I usually have things on the walls and essentials have found their home. With the exception of the “hoarder’s corner” of my closet (well to be honest a couple houses ago I had a whole “hoarder’s closet”) I can usually everything set up in place quickly.
But with the wonderful blessing of pushing my wedding up a few weeks early because of the quarantine, I was only half packed before I moved my stuff. So there was a lot of purging and organizing I would normally do on the backside of a move that I’ve needed to do in my new place.
Add to that refinishing some furniture and building a desk, my unpacking to do list was huge compared to normal. Plus this is the first time I’ve ever moved because I’m married so when Chris isn’t working, I don’t want to use our time together unpacking. It’s much more fun to go for a walk together.
But yesterday was my day to fully finish unpacking. I had been ignoring the last bit of stuff waiting in the trunk. There were a couple blankets that needed to be washed and find their new winter home, another box of workspace stuff, DVD’s to go through and decide if they’re worth keeping, and my last random "just get the old room cleared out" trash bag that includes the game “Quelf”, my yoga towel, and who knows what else.
I was set to knock it out and could see the finish line on the horizon… then something came up and once again I find myself with the last few boxes (bag) sitting in the corner. This time it was worse though because it’s now in our living room.
Before my perceived failure was hiding in the trunk of the car. Even though from time to time I would remember it, for the most part it was easy to ignore. But last night as we ate dinner I could feel the little pile mocking me like a heckler trying to throw a pitcher off their game.
As long as I can remember I have wrestled with a performance mentality. It took several years of wrestling with it for me to come to grips with my tendency to think I need to earn my keep. When I am the strong one or helping with a need, I get why they want to have me around.
But take away my usefulness and anxiety tries to make its home in mind. Yesterday was pretty rough, I’m not gonna lie. But thank God I married a man who knows this about me and does an amazing job combating it whenever it rears its ugly head.
If I’m being really honest I still don’t get why he loves me the way he does. I know we haven’t been together long, but the world shutting down has given him a unique opportunity to show me that he loves me for me, even when my to do list is undone. God has stripped away so many of the things I want to lean on to earn my keep through working at a job a know I’m great at. This morning Chris once again reminded me that he loves me even when I’m in a bad mood and feel I have nothing to add to the conversation.
This morning I also I felt God reminding me that He indeed loves to watch things grow and although yesterday didn’t look like I planned, He uses everything and loved watching me as I grow. And today may not go according to my plan and I may be tempted to feel like the day is wasted, but I will lean into the truth that God doesn’t waste an opportunity. And everything is an opportunity for Him.
So today if you find yourself in a place of wishing you had accomplished more, or maybe struggle like I do wishing you were more, I am praying that you will so clearly hear God speaking to you that He loves watching you grow.
That just like you can’t see what’s happening under ground when the seed is planted, you can’t see all God is doing in you. And often, what we are quick to deem “Failure” or “Not Enough” is actually a big step in the beauty of our growth.
And God loves watching things grow.