Being loved for all that I'm not
I've written before about how God so often speaks to me in song lyrics. I'm not talking about the songs we hear in church, even though they often speak to my heart in a beautiful way. No I'm talking about The Killers, Lee Brice, Evanescence, Tori Amos, Travis Tritt, and last week Billy Myers.
If the name doesn't sound familiar, years ago she had a hit called Kiss The Rain and it was so good I bought the whole album and every song was great. Last week it came up on my playlist and one song stuck with me: Opposites Attract. The song is about exactly what the title implies: two people who are complete opposites end up falling in love and finding happiness with each other. Even though it's a great song, there's one line in particular that I couldn't kick. I just kept hearing it in my heart over and over again. You don't blame me for all that I'm not. For all that I am you say is so much more than good enough.... How beautiful is that!! I don't know about you, but I find myself in this weird dichotomy of embracing who God made me to be and wishing my weaknesses weren't what they are. You see, I know that God loves me. I know He delights in me. I even know that before I was born He decided He was going to put together an interesting mix personality traits and strengths that would end up one day being me. And as I'm turning 37, I'm thankful for being in a place of accepting myself. I know what I'm good at and I know what I stink at. And this week, I was reminded of the things I'm not good at. And by being reminded I mean I was sitting down for an hour, doing my very best and failed. Even in preparation I fail. In every aspect of this certain area, I am a hot mess who can't even con her way through it. And every time this weakness is put before me, I am reminded that it is something everyone I do life with is good at. So, it doesn't feel "normal". It feels like I am a screw up who is too stupid to get a simple thing done. And I must confess, when I am in the throws of this, it's gets ugly. I mean messy cry, cussing at God ugly. This rage and shame rise up so quickly I find myself feeling out of control and sure that I will never measure up to society's minimum standard. I am convinced that I'm broken beyond repair. But God in His goodness has put people in my life who know how to handle my crazy and I thank Him for giving me a best friend to put things in perspective. Someone who is, in fact, good at the thing I fail at. Someone who reminds me how I handled it last time and reassures me it will all work out. So when the rage is over, I remember to look to the One Who Made Me and trust He didn't include this gift for a reason. He reminds me that He in fact has me and how He has always taken care of and provided for me. He loving reminds me of how even in my mistakes and sometimes willful sin, He provides a way because He loves me. And I rest... and I am reminded of the Billy Myers song: You say you love me for all that I'm not. And I still love you for all that you are... Not only does God love me for all that I am, He loves me for all that I'm not. All my short comings and all my failures are no surprise to Him. In fact, when I learn to dance to the melody He is singing over me and let Him lead, it is in those very weaknesses that He receives glory from. So I thank Him. I thank Him that I can't do it on my own and I am daily reminded of my need for Him. I thank Him for His love and how He cares for and provides for me. I thank Him for His patience when my heart acts out in the tantrum of a two year old and I thank Him for maturing me so that it won't always be the case. I thank Him for loving me not despite all that I'm not, but because all that I'm not...