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Five Year Tradition...

So, two weeks ago I left my secure job with benefits at a stable church which had been my home for 30 years. And although some people that heard of my decision to leave thought it was out of the blue, I am beginning to see a pattern develop in my life. When I was 25 I moved to Romania thinking I knew what life would look like, but in reality I had no clue what God was up to. Then at 30, I found myself stateside and starting a full time position on staff working with students at my then home church, so terrified of failing because the way I saw it, taking a position there was the riskiest thing I had ever done. Failure is one thing, but what if I failed? I mean what if I screwed up so royally that I was no longer able to show my face at what had been my home as long as I have had a memory... That being said, you can imagine the surprise and reluctancy to listen I had when, at 35, I felt God putting it on my heart to leave not only my job but also my church, especially not having a particular destination to go to.

I could hear the loving Creator of the universe gently speaking to me and beckoning me to dream with Him, to begin to imagine life beyond what I knew. I felt Him reminding me of the unique way He made me. I love to make things, especially with paper or paint. I love to help people and my heart longs for everyone I meet to know their Creator and live out the life He dreams of for them. I love to live each day as if there is an adventure waiting for me and I find such joy when I put my head on my pillow and recall all the randomness that when put together adds up to a perfect day that I know, deep in my knower, went exactly as GOD had intended. But each time I felt His gentle nudge to dream of what my next step could be, I threw my hands out and told Him, "No!" And I would put any dream on the back burner because after all, I had a great life. I had a safe life. I mean, I was able to be a professional Christian and everyday at work I was able to exercise my faith. I led a couple small groups and was able to "do life" with some amazing people. Yes, I had a very safe life indeed. But in the end, I admitted that safe is not what I am longing for and despite how scary it can be, I will not be content unless I follow wherever God leads me. As I type that out I realize I have no idea what that even really means or what life has in store for me. But what I do know is that despite myself, God continually blows me away with His patience and kindness and is OK with the hot mess that I often am. Not only is He OK with it, but He embraces it and reassures me I will never have it all together, so I might as well stop trying and just be me, in Him. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. I'm not even sure anyone will ever read this. But on the off chance that my story of chaos and journey of learning what it means to be in Christ helps someone else see their journey in His light, I figure I will put it all down. You see for years I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew what to say and what to do and how to act, then then I realized I was missing it. I realized I was so busy doing (whatever was in front of me) that I never noticed the butterflies and now, I can't help but see the beautiful little things in life that make my heart sing.

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