In January 2017 I found myself in a new place of discontentedness. I couldn’t put my finger on what was going on inside to keep me from loving where life had led me. I had a job I enjoyed going to, a good friend group, and got to serve in an awesome church. Things weren’t perfect but they were good. And they were simple, which is how I love life.
My relationship with God was in a season of dullness and my set aside time with Him often was out of duty rather than desire. But that happens. That is life. That is relationship. Everyday isn’t going to be fireworks and roller coasters. I was ok with that, but not the discontentedness. Then one day as I was getting ready for work I realized what it was:
I had stopped believing in the miraculous.
I still believed God is a God of miracles but was no longer expecting to experience them. I had built myself a good little life where I could basically exist without needing Him to come through for me on a regular basis. Not only that, I had stopped wanting to need Him to come through for me.
Honestly it’s because the disappointment I had felt in God with not letting me shake the desire to be married and have a family of my own that I quit believing in the miraculous. I have several single friends who are content and no longer want to get married. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to embrace all my life had at the moment without longing for something different.
For years I had done my best to stand in faith in what I felt God had put on my heart. Often I felt foolish for talking about it and wondered about my own sanity. But the way God often does in my life, when I chose to ignore what He was speaking to my heart, He didn’t allow me to be content.
I think as children of God He won’t let us fully settle into life without needing Him. But I also I think too often in today’s culture we can numb enough so we can ignore the discontentedness within us.
I wish I could say that when I realized I stopped believing in the miraculous I hit my knees in repentance, turning away from my apathy. But instead I numbed. My old friends Netflix, food, and busyness kept my mind occupied enough I settled in. All the while the heart of The One Who Loves Me Most was aching to spend time with me.
Yesterday after a hike with my husband that included a long conversation on eschatology and our cultural lens, I told Him if I’d had known how perfect he is for me, it would have made the last 20 years a lot easier.
If I had had tangible proof that God was indeed speaking to my heart about marriage the same way He spoke to my heart about the mission field and Romania, there would have been a lot less tears and a lot less numbing.
But I also wouldn’t know the heart of my Savior like I do. Because it is in the times of discontentedness, when we choose to run to Him instead of choosing to numb that we grow close to Him in a way that can only happen through tears.
Now, even when my heart feels doubt, it is a lot easier to choose to trust. My tempter tantrums are shorter and my fists raise in anger less often. The ups and downs and uncertainties of this season of the world has had temptation to doubt knocking at my door. And as a self employed person, I have answered its call a couple times.
But Praise God I once again believe in the miraculous and am reminded that I can only experience God coming through for me when I am at the end of my ability and resources.
This morning I am praying for everyone who reads this to once again be reminded that God, Jehovah Rapha (God Me Healer), El Roi (The God Who Sees), El Elyon (The God Most High), Jehovah Shalom (The God of Peace), Jehovah Jireh (The Lord Will Provide), and Johovah Saboath (The Lord of the Angel Armies) loves you deeply.
He loves you so deeply! I am praying that today you experience that love in an even deeper way. I am praying that wherever you need to see Him move miraculously, you will hear Him speaking to you. Whether you need Him to give you a plan of attack so you know what to do, or you, like the Israelites in Exodus 14, need to wait and watch the Lord fight for you, I am praying that you see Him moving.
I am praying for an even deeper connection to The One Who Loves You Most and that when fear or doubt come knocking at your door, you’ll so clearly see it for what it is and instead run to The One Who Put The Stars Into Place and invite Him into every situation.
And I am praying all of this in the beautiful name of Jesus. Amin!