When Birds Sing Your Wedding March

Sitting here on my new couch in my new home, reflecting on the goodness of God despite all the craziness of this time in the world. Thinking about how just 2 days ago God worked out my dream wedding perfectly. As an introvert I was torn about having a big wedding and reception. I know I am blessed with more people who love me than I could ever deserve and really want to celebrate my marriage with them. But I also know me. I get overwhelmed when too many people I know are in one room. Before I read the book “Quiet” by Susan Cain (https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153 ), an amazing book about how introverts are wired, I thought there was something wrong with me. I am not shy by any means and people are usually shocked when I say I am 100% introvert. But inside, when there are lots of people or people I don’t know, I just feel overwhelmed but I have learned to power through and my acting background comes in handy. Most times people have no clue I am ready to run for the hills. So when it came to our wedding, the biggest day of my adult life, I was torn between wanting to celebrate with the 100’s of people who would want to be there with Chris and I, and selfishly wanting it to just be a handful of people.

If you’ve ever seen the movie “Runway Bride”, the final wedding always brought a feeling of deep joy to me. It’s just the bride and groom and a minster standing on a hill at sunset. Not too far away are their closest friends and family ready to cheer when they kiss for the first time as man and wife. But then again, I do enjoy a good party. It’s exhausting and leaves me wanting to stay home and introvert for a couple days afterwards, but to get to celebrate what God has done in bringing Chris and I together with the people we love, that would be amazing too. In the end, God made the decision for us and a perfect family wedding was what He had in store. Detail after detail He worked out so that it was literally stress free and pure joy as I walked down the path to the pavilion with the birds singing our wedding song. I have always loved the sound of birds singing. They bring joy and anticipation for the new. Every morning and for the rest of my life when I hear them singing I will know they are singing my wedding march; a reminder of how The One Who Loves Me Most weaved our wedding day to be my perfect perfect in the midst of chaos all around. My brother was supposed to play “Cannon in D” when the formal wedding was being planned, a song that also brings my heart to swell. And Tuesday, while I was getting ready there was sadness that my brother wouldn’t be there and that I wouldn’t have a chance to brag to the world about how talented he is. For a brief moment we talked about bringing my bluetooth speaker for some music as I came in, but God knew that walking down the path to my husband, with my dad and I being serenaded by birds would be a moment I would store in my heart forever. Again, this morning I am left in awe at the love The One Who Put The Stars Into Place has for me. I mean I know He loves us all, but that He takes the time to perfectly orchestrate the moment before I said, “I do”… He leaves me speechless with a tummy full of butterflies and a contentment I can’t describe. And there’s nothing special about me that makes Him love me other than I am His. And I will forever ask why He chose to write my story in a way where I have learned to look for Him so easily. I don’t know why He gifted me with the gift of deep aloneness when I was younger so I would know how to run to Him, or why He chose to surround me with mentors who taught me how to seek His heart. Or just the fact that He gave me the gift of longing to be with Him and hear His voice, but today I am praying that last gift over everyone who reads this. My guess is most everyone has been given the gift of aloneness, a deep feeling that goes beyond feeling lonely. But from what I know, many people don’t yet know the gift that it can be. That when it is just you and God and you choose to turn off the tv, put down the drink or chips and queso, not fill your schedule with thing after thing or dive into work to stay busy. When we sit with the dark emotion that threatens to destroy us and no longer buy the lie that it can take us out, we feel the beat of our own heart within our chest. We notice the feel of the carpet under our toes and can let our heart be still enough to hear the song of the love of the Father as He sings over us (Zephaniah 3:17) https://my.bible.com/bible/116/ZEP.3.17.nlt . One thing I’ve come to believe is the fear of the feeling is worse than the actual feeling and that is often how the enemy of our soul gets us to stay worked up and keeps us from trusting. Working with kids one of the main things I ask them when they make foolish, cruel, and bad decisions is “why?” “What’s going on in your heart?” “Where do you feel it? Your Chest? Your Stomach?” Many times these questions aren’t embraced and they share instead how they don’t want to talk about it. I tell them that’s a valid feeling but they need to learn how to identify what they’re feeling and process it. Otherwise if they just stuff it, the feelings will come back up, but even stronger and in times we don’t expect. For me the unwanted feelings of fear and anxiety often take up residence in my stomach. It feels as if they have kicked out all the butterflies or stomped them out of existence. And that feeling tries to get me to buy the lie that it will win. For years I believed this lie and kept busy or numbed in other ways, but I have learned than when I sit with it, ask what is behind the dark and scary feelings that, like a monster from and old movie, threatens to swallow me unless I run from it, I see there is sometime tender hiding underneath. For me it usually goes back to feeling unwanted or unworthy. Those are the main wounds of my heart that all my overachieving and trying to earn my keep were fueled by. All my doing was a way of my trying to prove I was worthy of love and belonging, just hoping someone would want to keep me around… Hoping that God really meant what His Word said but terrified that I was the exception to the rule: that maybe He didn’t just love me for me but for what He was doing through me. I’m not sure who this is for today. I had actually planned on just sharing how God worked out all the details of my wedding and how as I type this, the birds singing reminded me of His goodness. But I guess He had other plans. 

So today, whoever you are who needs to be reminded that the Creator of the universe is crazy in love with you and longs to spend time with you, know I am praying for you. Whoever is being tormented by the lies of fear, anxiety, and aloneness, know I am praying for you. And for whoever happens to stumble upon this blog of mine, you are covered in prayer also. I am praying that today, you will be confronted with the crazy love of God. I am praying that despite whatever lies have tried to make you doubt your worth to Him, you will be so aware that you are passionately loved by One Who Made You. I am praying that in a time when fear and anxiety are trying to rule the world, you will learn even more deeply how to dwell in the peace of God and rest under the shadow of His wing. I am praying God’s perfect will in your life today and that He protects you from every scheme of the enemy. And I am praying this in the beautiful name of Jesus, knowing He not only hears this prayer, but moves heaven and earth on behalf of His Children. Amin!

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