This morning I had some time to sit and be alone before the sun came up. I enjoyed looking out the window and seeing the dark sky slowly fill with light as the day began. Then the sun began to rise higher and higher and got to a point where it was visible through the trees. It was so beautiful I snapped a picture to post because in the heart of winter I love being reminded that spring and warm days are on their way.
But then as the sun was coming into full view of where I was sitting it started to blind me. I mean it was so bright I had to adjust my position on the couch so the rays were hidden behind the wall. I giggled at myself because what I had been enjoying became so intense that I had had enough. When I changed my perspective, the intensity of the sun changed. And then it hit me. When I change my perspective, the intensity of how I see the Son changes…. Haha, writing it down it sounds a lot more cheesy and cliche than it did in my soul. But the truth remains, only I can control how much of my focus remains on God. I love this picture because it shows the truth I experienced in that moment. In one instance the sun was invading the room and warming me and in another it was something outside. I could see it but I couldn’t feel it. One thing I strive for is balance. This morning I was reading the book of Mark when Jesus gets mad at the Pharisees and in the same chapter He is hanging out with the lowest of society. Jesus was a beautiful example of getting mad at the right things. Anyone who knows me knows that I have an innate scrappiness, which when I apply it to the right cause can be used for good. But too many times in my past I have allowed myself to fight the wrong thing. Too often an insecurity gets touched and my fists are up. And for me that is mainly what it boils down to: my insecurities. My feeling of being unworthy, of being unwanted. And it is horrible. In the past it has sent me into a downward spiral of tirades and self sabotage. Praise God over the years He has brought me so far and my rage very rarely flares up, but my feeling of unworthy is still a wound that gets brushed up upon from time to time. And I have to admit over the holidays it got slammed into which led to a few days of hermitizing myself. Again, I am thankful for God’s goodness because I didn't run to all my old coping mechanisms. Instead I spent a few days alone with some new art supplies trying to learn some new techniques. I played Steven Furtick sermons and watch The Chronicles of Narnia. The whole time I created I was engaged in a conversation with God. And this morning it hit me that so much of life is about our perspective. In the past when my wounds have been touch I have kept my head adjusted where the love and acceptance of Jesus isn’t in view. Those times I have set off in some stupid decisions which led to a shame spiral. This time however, even though I wasn’t aware exactly how the wound of my heart had been assaulted again, God in His grace cleared my schedule and I spent 2 days readjusting my perspective so I sat fully in the light of His love. I allowed my heart to be blinded by His light and have no regrets. I have no apologies to make and no messes to clean up. God really is a gracious God and I think today it finally sank in that the only way for me to go through life with balance is to make sure I keep my perspective fully focus on Him. I need to make sure I am sitting where the light of God can fill the room of my soul and not just be something I see through the window.